


Who Ever Loved Ordinary?

by oui_oui_mon_ami



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, References to Alan Turing, The Captain is Gay (Ghosts TV 2019), The Captain needs a hug, cap/julian if you squint really hard??, imagine cap and alan turing meeting, implied cap/havers, julian fawcett is a semi decent person when it suits him, julian is also not straight, they'd be too powerful together, too iconic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27650221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oui_oui_mon_ami/pseuds/oui_oui_mon_ami
Summary: "The letter. The common interest in a secret project. Even the way he acted around Havers. It was all being played out on the television in front of him, just by characters with different names."The ghosts watch The Imitation Game.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 98





	Who Ever Loved Ordinary?

**Author's Note:**

> this idea has been in my head for about a week begging to be written and i knew i wouldn't be able to focus on my uni work until it was so here take it

“Is this everyone?” Alison asks, doing a quick head count of the ghosts in the room. The Captain settles into his usual seat, grimacing at the familiar crack of his knees. “Where’s Julian?”

“Last I saws him, he were playing with the tiny glowing box,” Mary says.

“Well, let’s not wait up for him,” Alison says. The Captain can only wonder what Julian has managed to find on the smart phone. “Now, this week, the Captain has chosen our film.”

The Captain shifts proudly in his armchair. “A fine retelling of events that happened during the war that were very similar to our efforts at Button House, so I hear,” he says.

Thomas groans. “A ghastly war film,” he mutters. “Where is the drama? The romance? The cinematic poetry that only comes from two people professing their love for each other?”

Alison frowns at him. “Thomas. It’s the Captain’s turn to pick the film this week. Remember two weeks ago, when you chose _Just Go With It_ and hardly anyone complained?” That shuts Thomas up. “So without further ado, here’s _The Imitation Game_ ,” she says, motioning to Mike to press a button on the remote and settling down next to him.

The movie begins, and it is soon made clear that it is about a young man, Alan Turing – played by a rather dashing actor, as actors go that is. “Oh, I remember reading about Alan Turing,” Pat says. “I liked learning about computers, and he came up a lot. Did you know him, Cap?”

“No,” the Captain replies, still mostly focused on the television. “I didn’t have clearance to know about Bletchley Park, or any of the people who worked there. And they didn’t know about our operation here. It all had to be top-secret.”

After a while, Kitty leans across to him. “He’s a lot like you,” she whispers.

The Captain is a little startled by the statement. “How so?” he asks, attempting nonchalance.

“He’s clever, and has a lot of clever ideas, like you. He always takes things literally, like you do. He likes codes, like you with your Morse code.”

The Captain is quiet for a moment. Eventually, he nods. “I suppose there are similarities,” he says. That seems to please Kitty enough for her to turn back to the television.

They watch the movie in silence for a while longer. At some point, Julian saunters in. “What are we watching?”

Alison shushes him. “The Imitation Game,” she replies. “About Alan Turing.”

Julian’s eyes widen in recognition. “Ah, Turing,” he says with a terrible grin. “He was the bloke who-”

“Shush!” Alison interrupts him, glaring. “Spoilers.”

The Captain spots Julian sneak a sideways glance at him before nodding and silently taking a seat. He chooses to ignore it. He chooses to ignore Julian whenever possible.

The movie is good. The Captain is enjoying it. Until…

There is an engagement. The young woman is dancing with the handsome, arrogant fellow while Turing talks to another of their colleagues. “ _What if I don’t fancy being with Joan in that way?”_ Turing asks. “ _Because you’re a homosexual.”_ the colleague replies.

The Captain stiffens. Around him, he hears muffled noises. A gasp from Fanny. Alison shushing Julian, who has his mouth open to make one of his crude jokes. Robin innocently asking what a ‘home-of-sexual’ is. Mike rolling his eyes at Alison trying to calm the chaos. And several pairs of eyes are inexplicably fixed on him. “What is it?” he asks. He doesn’t know why his voice sounds so strangled. The gazes immediately flick back to the screen, which makes the Captain a little more comfortable – not much, but a little.

“ _You can’t tell anyone_ ,” Turing’s colleague says, and the Captain’s heart sinks even more. Yes, he remembers the laws back then. Men would be shot if they were even suspected to be _that way_. And while he himself was not like that – _certainly not_ , not that there was anything bad with it, though, other than it being illegal – he still lived in fear of people thinking he was. And here was poor Turing, trapped in an engagement he had no interest in and in danger of being killed if he was found out. He felt a tidal wave of sympathy for the man.

And then there is the matter of Turing’s childhood sweetheart. (Is sweetheart the right word? It seems to fit.) The Captain couldn’t help but smile at the young Turing following Christopher around like a lost puppy, inspired by him to take up cryptography and as a result passing secret notes around in class. He hears a joyful gasp from Kitty at the sight of the love note, but that joy is quickly replaced by something much more dark when Christopher’s death is announced. The Captain remembers a similar feeling when his lieutenant left for the front, never to be seen by him again, without that blasted letter that the Captain was too cowardly to give him.

And then, suddenly, something clicks.

The letter. The common interest in a secret project. Even the way he acted around Havers. It was all being played out on the television in front of him, just by characters with different names.

He supposes that it also explains the Captain’s heightened sympathy for Turing.

He prays that no one has noticed his silent crisis, and thankfully their eyes are all glued to the screen, watching people celebrate the conclusion of the war. But it isn’t a happy ending. Poor Turing faces the same fate the Captain was so terrified of, and the news of his death knocks the non-existent air from his chest. _He was so young_ , he thinks.

He almost doesn’t see the words that follow: “ _In 2013, Queen Elizabeth II granted Turing a posthumous Royal Pardon, honouring his unprecedented achievements.” Times have changed_ , he remembers Alison saying. His thoughts turn bitter: they changed too late for Turing and so many others, including himself.

The credits begin to roll, and the group begins to disperse, restless after two hours of sitting still. Pat notices the Captain still sitting stiffly in the armchair. “You alright, Cap?” he asks gently.

The Captain jumps and quickly composes himself. “Yes, I am quite alright, thank you, Patrick,” he says. His voice is shaking. His whole body is shaking. “I just – have to…” He melts through the wall and retreats to the library, gripping his stick so hard that he is sure he is making a hand-shaped dent in it. He reaches the room just in time, right before the dam holding back his emotions breaks open and he collapses, sobbing quietly, on the floor.

It feels good.

No, it feels horrible. Awful. But at the same time, it’s a relief. He hasn’t cried in seventy-five years.

Once he calms down, he struggles to his feet and walks to the window. He can just about see the garden from here, where he had buried the – literally – explosive letter to Havers long ago. He wonders whether, if he had come to this realisation during the war, their friendship might have progressed to something more. Probably not, he thinks, since that only would have put them both in danger.

There’s a voice behind him. “I thought you’d be here.”

The Captain groans and turns to glare at Julian. “What do you want?” he snaps. “Can I not have some time to myself in this house?”

Julian raises his hands in surrender. “Woah, there. I mean no harm. And you’ve been dead for over seventy years, you know better than I do that there’s no such thing as ‘time to yourself’ here.”

“What do you want?” the Captain repeats.

“Merely to see if you were alright,” Julian replies. “You left in quite a hurry. You should’ve seen the look on Pat’s face, it was like a kicked puppy.”

The Captain grimaces. “I’m fine,” he says curtly. “In fact, I’d be better if you left me alone.”

But Julian doesn’t leave. Quite the contrary: he moves closer. “I’ve told enough lies in my life to know that that’s complete bullshit. You’re not fine.”

“Just in your life?” the Captain asks, raising an eyebrow. Julian doesn’t say anything, just looks at him like he already knows what the Captain’s only just realised. Finally, something in the Captain’s resolve seems to break. “If we are going to have this conversation, you have to be serious,” he says softly, sitting down by the window.

Julian takes a seat next to him. He’s quiet for a brief moment, thinking. “I had a few flings at Cambridge, you know,” he says eventually.

The Captain grimaces, really not eager to hear about Julian’s sex life again. “So you’ve said.”

“No, flings with _men_.”

The Captain blinks up at him.

“And no, it wasn’t just ‘experimenting’. I’ve never liked labels much, but I’m certainly not heterosexual.”

The Captain is still processing this information. “And… why are you telling me this?” he asks.

“Because believe it or not, I was also scared of people finding out. Things weren’t much better in the later twentieth century. Sure, it was legal then, but I could have lost my job. I got beaten up a few times. What I mean to say is that I understand.” Julian offers him a gentle smile that looks foreign on his face.

“Understand what?” the Captain asks.

Julian rolls his eyes. “God, Cap, you can be so obtuse. Look,” he continues, more gently, “you can tell me. I swear on my life – well, you know – I won’t tell anyone else.”

And – lord help him – the Captain finally relents. The weight on his chest has been increasing throughout the evening and he’s too tempted to share the load. “I suppose I identified with that Turing in… more ways than one.”

Julian nods. “I’ll take that as a coming out. Congratulations, Cap.”

But the Captain doesn’t feel like celebrating. “I just hate that, back then, it led to so much fear and hate.”

“I know,” Julian says. “We can’t change the past, though. We can only look at the present and be happy that things have eventually changed.”

The Captain frowns at Julian. “That is… very wise.”

“Don’t be so surprised,” Julian scoffs. “First from Cambridge, remember?”

“I wish I could forget, but you bring it up every five minutes,” the Captain groans. “But academic education and wisdom are two separate things.” He stands up. “Well. I’m going to patrol the grounds.” He offers Julian a small smile. “Thank you.”

Julian smirks. “Anytime, Cap. Besides, Robin now owes me.”

The smile drops from the Captain’s face. “You- wha- you _placed bets_ on my sexuality?”

“Once a gambler,” Julian says with a shrug.

The Captain groans. “I cannot believe this!”

Julian pulls a face. “I ruined the moment, didn’t I?”

“There- there was never a ‘moment’!” And he storms out of the library, leaving Julian to hopelessly formulate excuses.

**Author's Note:**

> maybe leave a comment if you got this far? 
> 
> i haven't given up on fieri sentio et excrucior btw, i think it's just on temporary hiatus until i catch up on uni work lol. but if you haven't read the few chapters that are up feel free to :)


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